Photo: Greg Rakozy via Unsplash
I typically update this blog towards the beginning of every month.
In December I wrote three pieces for January and didn’t like any of them. The struggle these days is in taking a topical tone versus a personal one. Being topical is fine and helps anyone become a better writer – it’s the primary content I create over at nicolecifani.com – but here I always wanted to challenge myself to go a little deeper somehow.
Last year I went for broke and started over. Then after the surface level things were established – a home, a job and new friendships – I was able to break into the exquisite unknown of getting to know myself better.
In late 2015 I got into meditation. After a few weeks, crazy thoughts started working their way to the surface. I began seeing weird shit – white dogs locked in cages, trips down shadowy tunnels. For some reason I figured going to the local hipster apothecary would help.
“Weird visions are coming up in meditation and I feel nauseous,” I complained to the shopkeep. “Do you carry any herbs that help?”
There was one other customer in the store, a girl who actually looked like me circa five years ago. She was tall with blonde hair and wore Lululemon from head to toe. She carried a small white dog in one arm and a giant oversized purse in the other, pretending not to listen as she browsed the herbal teas.
“I’ve been working on clarity and to be honest it’s freaking me out. Do you have something that promotes healing and eases the transition from the subconscious to the conscious?”
As the words came out of my mouth part of me hoped this was just a phase while the other part was kind of curious to see what would happen.
I still have some ways to go. Late 2015 was all about starting a journey to explore the inner self. it was about identifying core values, setting boundaries, and creating a deeper sense of trust. On paper it all sounds kind of obvious, as though I should’ve been doing these things all along.
At some point we’re forced to confront our shadows.
My hope for this year is that the topical stuff will emerge in the form of short micro-stories.
And the deeper concepts will be revealed as I come to better understand them, working on become more vulnerable as a writer.
What I’ll tell you about last year is this. I’ve grown a lot. I don’t know how else to put it. I feel like a grown up.
2015 laid the foundation to build something better than last year and all the years before. I can see it in the deepest of sleep, the subconscious trying to break from its cage into the light of day.
10 out of 365. Here we go.