infinitesimally twitchy
latching onto news or social nets
waking in untimely intervals
constantly awaiting bad news.
i don’t want to miss it.
i want to be on top of it, inside of it, control it.
we need to be ready to act.
moving with the sun’s light i get out of bed
wash my face, glancing up to notice that
my eyes are changing color
an unidentifiable shade of green.
in traffic and wonder
if something will hit me today.
loud blind spots are a haphazard
my desire to connect in theatrical ways.
[it’s ironic what happened then]
in daylight’s dominance contributions are weighed
worrying about wellness, worrying about u.
there is no need to worry about me,
i’ve forgiven myself and bury things deep.
i want to crawl inside of relationships that never happened
while the thought looms large of what was imaginary –
crumbly non-waitings.
meanwhile come valentines day
i’ll avoid the sweet, fat-filled treats
feeling exempt from dangerous love
a lonely 21st century model.
i was called upon and asked to sing
but the words wouldn’t come. i’m a shithead.
i don’t know when i’ll see him next, if ever
preparing myself for it every time.
he fades in and out of awareness
nailing jokes when he’s awake
i fumble for the correct thing to say
just as we did then.
selfish thoughts of self-imposed disconnect
a glove-less hand needing to extend
i need to give to everyone.
i ask what i can do and
it’s heartbreaking when the phone cuts out.